I've struggled with depression on and off for most of my life. I know I'm not alone here- mental illness is part of the whole artistic temperament trope, and studies confirm that there's at least a kernel of truth to that idea. I'm not a tortured artist. I've sort of hovered at the precipice of tortured in the past, but these days my depression is irritatingly mundane. It's like an elderly version of Winston Churchill's black dog - relatively unobtrusive, but he pees on the carpet sometimes and I have to clean it up.
The black dog woke me up this morning. It's a foggy day here in New England, and the black dog wanted to go out and play. In non-metaphorical terms, this means that I really wanted to call in sick to work today and stay snuggled under the covers, eating microwave burritos. But I didn't. Because it's not that bad, and I've been petsitting for long enough to know that I need to save those sick days for when it is that bad.
I got up, got dressed, and had breakfast, dog at my side. Now I'm writing as usual, but it's slow going, and that's how the rest of the day will probably be for me. The black dog is rather heavy, you see, and often reluctant to walk. It takes a lot of energy to keep tugging him along. I'm never happy to see him, but NaNoWriMo is an especially inconvenient time to have him show up. Hopefully he'll be gone tomorrow, but here are my go-to ways to stay productive in the midst of the black dog blahs.
EXPAND
When my brain has the sniffles, new writing usually feels like too much to take on. But we've got word count to consider here, so I can't just take the day off entirely. Instead of moving forward with my novel today, I'll be going back and expanding some earlier passages that need clarification. Chuck Palahniuk's essay on replacing thought verbs usually gets me in the right mindset to go back and add more colors to what I've already written.
CREATE AN INTERNAL SPA
My fluorescent-lit cubicle farm is about as far from a spa as you can get, but if the chemicals in my brain can generate a black dog, they can generate a masseuse too! On internal spa days, I drink water constantly. This makes me go to the bathroom like 73 times, which counts as exercise. I eat salad at lunch, promising myself I can go back to the fried treats tomorrow. Taking my health seriously gives me a goal for the day, and the dog isn't as interested in table scraps when the meal is vegetables.
INSPIRE
When I can't write, I read. When I can't read, I re-read. I find one of my velveteen rabbit books (that's my turn of phrase for books so well-loved that they look like shit and cannot even be lent out due to the sheer disgustingness of their condition) and I read a chapter or two. I might notice something new about it that inspires me, or learn something about structure. Or it might be just be akin to drinking a glass of warm milk, but that's okay too.
DON'T EVEN
There are days when I just can't. They don't happen often, but when they do, I embrace them. I don't do anything. I don't shower. I don't go to work. I don't write. I don't read. I don't do laundry or clean the house. I hibernate on the couch with the black dog in my lap and some junk food at my side, and I watch terrible television all day. I wake up the following morning with crumbs in my hair and soda stains on my pajama top, my joints creaking from inertia. The black dog has usually trotted off in search of another warm lap to sit upon, and my inner sloth feels sated enough for me to get dressed, leave the house, and try again.
*Disclaimer: I am offering some strategies for dealing with chronic, low-grade depression. If you're having "don't even" days more than once every few months, or if you're consistently not feeling like yourself, talk to your doctor. If you don't have access to healthcare, Mental Health America is a great place to start your search, with many free and low-cost options. If trying to find a mental health professional feels too overwhelming, ask someone you trust to help you. You don't deserve to feel this way, and if you think you might need help, you probably do.
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