What Readers Want: The Eclectic Reader

What writer doesn't entertain an insane fantasy of making an actual living off their words? Because this is becoming infinitely harder to do, and because I've been watching lots of Shark Tank, I decided to conduct a market survey. I interviewed some of the readers in my life about what they've read this year in hopes of figuring it out just what it is readers want (and how we can give it to them.) Since I asked people to do this in the midst of all the holiday craziness, I'll be publishing these as they come in.

Our first interview comes from Gail, who describes herself as "a 40-something married IT Project Manager who has two cats and many roles in local community theater."

Happy Holidays!

Sorry for all the silent nights. The holidays swallowed me, but I'm back this week with a series of posts that aim to answer that eternal question: what do readers want?

 I asked some of them, and I'm eager to share the results with you. Not so eager that I'm going to write a long post on a Monday, but I'm dimly looking forward to it.

Hope all is Merry and Bright!

The First Sentence: 5 Ways To Start Your Story

Before we delve into first sentences, I'm obligated to clarify that titles are important, too. Titles are, in fact, more important than first sentences because titles, if they're done right, cause your reader to actually buy your book. I wish I could title my blog posts more creatively, Unfortunately, the blogging gurus tell me that if you actually want anyone to find and read your writing blog, you have to write boring, shitty, women's magazine listicle (an ugly portmanteau if I ever saw one) titles like the one above. Otherwise, the little robots that find the writing blogs and suggest them on Google will miss it or something. This is why we should be hiring real human beings to do such tasks, not robots! (Google Robots: I love to read and I'm not averse to a career change. Let's talk further.) 

Crafting that first sentence is always tough, so here are five things to think about when staring down the blank page. (Actually, I'm only giving you four. The blogging gurus just said it should be five, for the benefits of the robots, but I refuse to take part in that whole system.)

How to Fix Problem Passages

Is there anything more beautiful than a clean white screen, emphasized by the zen metronome of the cursor? It's foreboding and perfect, and if you're like me, you can spend hours, if not days, staring at it, contemplating your unworthy humanity in the face of its innate vastness and wholeness.

Somehow (and I don't know how) we find the courage to tarnish this landscape with the yellowed sweat of our very human words We walk in the snow with our keyboards, and, much to our surprise and delight, create a promising first paragraph. Everything is precise and sparkling for a couple of pages. "This time will be different," we tell ourselves. "My writing really has a new clarity."

Wisdom From Adelle Waldman

When you're writing a novel, you're not exactly filling a niche. The number of non-book readers has almost tripled since the 1970's. Half of American adults read fewer than five books this year. On top of all that, there's been a recent slump in fiction - readers are going for memoirs and (cringe) self-help books instead.

The novel is dead, and here we all are, insisting on birthing zombies.

3 Anytime Alternatives to NaNoWriMo

I have a compulsive but very human need to attribute all of my failures to some sort of systemic flaw instead of my own own shortcomings. This is normal, but as a twisted subliminal penance, I've become obsessed with finding some alternatives to National Novel Writing Month.

Here are my top 3 choices for year-round literary productivity.

If You Didn't Win NaNoWriMo, Come Sit By Me

I have failed. I didn't win National Novel Writing Month. I have not borne 50000 words over the past 30 days. I, in fact, have not even come all that close. Why?

NaNoWriMo Snacks: Dream Journaling for Busy People

The women in my writing group are all who I want to be when I grow up.

They dress appropriately for the weather. They cook and eat wholesome organic meals. They seem to understand that when going to writing group, it's generally useful to bring a writing utensil. They keep dream journals.

NaNoWriMo Snacks: More Lessons From Marina

I waxed all poetic about my love for Marina Abramovic's artist manifesto a couple of days ago.

Then I got sick. I'm still sick. I'm hungry. I'm cold. All I want to do is take a bath and watch Investigation Discovery shows, but I skipped yesterday's post, so here I am today. I'm not my best self, but I am here. Present.

Marina Abramovic's 2010 show consisted of her sitting for 16 hours in an Eames-inspired chair of glowing wood. Across from her sat another chair, also Eames-inspired, of equally glowing wood, and in that chair sat whoever wanted to, for as long as they wanted to. (Don't get me wrong. They filtered out the freaks. There was an aspiring performance artist that tried to take her clothes off before sitting down and the MoMa security guards put a stop to that real quick.)

NaNoWriMo Snacks: Gleanings From Marina Abramović

Performance artist Marina Abramovic has always fascinated me. I've never had the pleasure of viewing her work in person. (My New York life was far too crammed to get to the museums more than half an hour before closing, what with drinking to excess and loathing myself all the time.) What I know of her I know from various videos and interviews, and, most recently, the eponymous documentary chronicling her 2010 retrospective, The Artist is Present. 

What can a performance artist teach us about writing? More specifically, what the fuck can a performance artist teach us about surviving in the trenches of NaNoWriMo?

Quite a bit, as it turns out. Much like her work, Marina's manifesto is simple and radical. So much so, in fact, that I'm still mulling over the first precept.

NaNoWriMo Snacks: What To Do When You Want To Give Up

Crippling self-doubt seems to go part and parcel with NaNoWriMo.

The I'm not good enoughs have been plaguing me this week, and it sucks. There are a bevy of awesome pep talks by notable writers that you can read for encouragement, but sometimes these kind words cause insecurity to take a turn toward the bitter.

"Sure," we think, "easy for Aimee Bender to say. How nice for you, Dave Eggers! But I'm not good enough."

You know what? You're probably not. 

NaNoWriMo Snacks: What To Do When Caffeine Stops Working

NaNoWriMo is exhausting. So is daily life. When you combine the two, the product is generally a red-eyed, punch-drunk mess. Here are a few quick tips that will wake you up enough to keep slogging through those words without getting the shakes.

NaNoWriMo Snacks: What To Do When Depression Hits

I've struggled with depression on and off for most of my life. I know I'm not alone here- mental illness is part of the whole artistic temperament trope, and studies confirm that there's at least a kernel of truth to that idea. I'm not a tortured artist. I've sort of hovered at the precipice of tortured in the past, but these days my depression is irritatingly mundane. It's like an elderly version of Winston Churchill's black dog - relatively unobtrusive, but he pees on the carpet sometimes and I have to clean it up.

NaNoWriMo Snacks: Conspicuous Consumption

You know what drives me crazy?

Writers who don't read. I've talked to far too many of them. Their defense is usually something along the lines of not wanting to be "influenced" by other people's work. If this is truly a danger, I envy their impressionability. We should all be so easily influenced by Proust. 

Then there's a second camp of writers who love to read, but don't seem to extend that courtesy to other mediums. They don't visit museums, listen to music beyond the top 40, or watch independent movies.

Sorry, but it doesn't work that way.

NaNoWriMo Snacks: Self-Care

When you are a fire-bellied vortex of creativity, it's very easy to become so wrapped up in your project that you let pedestrian things like laundry, sleep, and your day job go to pot. I have this theory that my sink is participating in NaNoWriMo too, but instead of Scrivener or one of those other fancy programs, its chosen medium is mold.

This week we're going to be taking a look at some self-care issues, both stuff you're overindulging in and stuff you're neglecting. The goal is to keep yourself writing productively, but with clean hair, a full stomach, and minimal emotional turmoil.

I've found that my biggest distraction in this whole NaNoWriMo odyssey is not Facebook, or Twitter, or Cracked.

It's the NaNoWriMo forums. It is so much fun to read about other people's novels. It's fun to make writing buddies and work out plot structures together. It's fun to add to joke threads like "you know you're writing literary fiction when..." It's like Facebook, but with no pictures of babies or speculations about Obama's birth locale! The forums are very easy to justify It's the NaNoWriMo site, and I'm participating in NaNoWriMo. Therefore, it's a productive way to spend time.

Nope. Writing 50,000 words in forum posts does not a novel make. Here are a few tips to protect your time and still have fun.

NaNoWriMo Snacks: 4 Words We're All Probably Using Wrong

I initially skipped over the "Misused Words and Expressions" section of The Elements of Style, assuming that many of the definitions would be outdated. Language is a living thing, and as much I love Strunk and White,"bling" is in the dictionary now. I gave the section another glance last night, and was pleasantly surprised -there are actually some really blingy gems in there that still hold up. Here's the takeaway.

NaNoWriMo Snacks: Get Active

I am so tired today. I know that that's no way to open a blog post, but what's point of having my own little corner of the internet if I can't use it to whine about sleep deprivation?

I suppose the point is to write about writing while yawning and eating cheez-its, so today we'll continue our trek through The Elements of Style. You're probably just as tired as I am, so you'll be happy to learn that there's a way to be active without actually getting off your ass.

NaNoWriMo Snacks: The Power of Positive Prosing

I know NaNoWriMo can be a disheartening, soul-crushing vortex of self-doubt, so I thought today would be a good day to remind you to be positive.

Don't worry, I'm not going all self-help cult on you. We're just talking about making your sentences stronger (with a little help from the perennial classic The Elements of Style.)

NaNoWriMo Snacks: Now Fat-Free!

Last night, I was obsessed with earning the 5000 word badge on my NaNoWriMo dashboard. So obsessed, in fact, that I stayed up late writing drippy sentences that I subconsciously padded with words like "however" and "moreover."

Gross. And, moreover, so not productive.

Strunk and White, patron saints of elegant precision that they were, had something to say about striking these nothing words from your sentences. Here are some takeaways.

NaNoWriMo Snacks: Tricks From Strunk and White

I just ate a Baby Ruth bar for breakfast. Actually, that's a total lie. I just ate breakfast, and then ate a Baby Ruth bar. Snacks, especially sugary ones, are essential to the whole NaNoWriMo experience. Haven't you noticed that most traditional story arcs mimic a sugar high and subsequent crash?

Snacks are also the most practical option because they don't take much time to prepare, and we future NYT Notable Authors don't have time to be churning out three course meals right now. Kind of like how I don't have time to write long posts, and how you don't have time to read long posts, because we are (say it with me now) writing a novel.

For the month of November, I'm going to be whipping up snacks - little tidbits that will give you a bit more fuel for your daily 1,667 words. This week, we're going to be mining morsels from Strunk and White's The Elements of Style, an elegant little slip of a book about writing that's been considered an essential for decades. Here's a quick tip that helped me:

NaNoWriMo Prep: 5 Sites That Will Keep You Writing

Happy Halloween, and Happy Friday. I plan to spend my last night of freedom before NaNoWriMo eating grotesque amounts of candy, watching the Investigation Discovery channel, and dressing my dog up like a taco for my own selfish amusement. Wine may also be involved. Some writers like to ceremoniously start at midnight, but I'll be too tipsy and sugar-addled for all that.

No matter how you plan to start, remember that you got this. Remember that the goal of NaNoWriMo isn't perfection. The goal is simply a massive tangle of 50,000 words that you can spend the rest of the winter combing into some semblance of order. Remember that by doing this, you're creating a habit that will serve you well in the months and years to come. Remember that writing a novel is a great excuse to not put on pants and leave the house in quite possibly the yuckiest month of the year, and that it's a valid reason to skip the gym.

Some days will be tougher than others, and I'll be struggling right along with you. Here's a shortlist of resources that will keep you trudging forward.

1. Write For Ten
A simple site with a ten-minute timer that can be paused and resumed as needed. You also have the option to make your posts private, and it counts your words for you. Since you create an account, it's great for luddites who like to write on various devices and don't want to get into anything cloud-like.

2. Write or Die
A paid app with a lot of bells and whistles. It keeps track of time and word count, and pushes you to go faster with visual and auditory stimuli. It also features a Kamakazi mode that actually erases your words until you start writing again. If you're after something less combative, there's a reward mode with pretty sounds and pictures of furry friends every time you reach your target word count.

3.Written Kitten
This a simpler, fuzzier version of Write or Die. You select the amount of words you want to write, and choose kitties, puppies, or bunnies for your reward. Every time you reach your goal, you get an adorable picture. I tend to set the goal for 100 words so that I can look at puppies like all the time. This is the only reason I'm able to crank out a blog post on a holiday that celebrates death and sugar, actually.

4.Chaotic Shiny
A mecca for genre writers, this site is a treasure trove of various generators. If you're stuck on a name for a city, not sure what symptoms to give your fatal plague, looking for the perfect constellation to guide your protagonist's epic quest, or undecided as to what your characters should eat with their mead, Chaotic Shiny has a generator for it! Outsource that detail to their very capable hands and move on.

5. The Seven Minute Workout
Sometimes getting the blood flowing for a couple of minutes does more good than yet another cup of coffee. I think this is because the blood vessels expand for better caffeine consumption. Avoid fatigue and chair-ass with this quick workout that scientists say is as good for you as working out for real.

What are your favorite writing resources? What are you planning on doing on your last night of innocent, unfettered bliss?

NaNoWriMo Prep: 5 Alternatives to the Character Sheet

Character sheets are pretty popular among the NaNoWriMo crowd. I understand the appeal, it's an organized, easily-referenced way to get to know the people you're writing about. If they work for you, great! Personally, I've never had success with character sheets.  Half the stuff they ask about your character are things I don't even know about myself. Best thing that ever happened to me? Depends on the day. Worst thing? Ask me December 1st.

I've taken to a less linear method of character development. The character sheet, it seems, tends to push the writer toward developing characters that are outwardly dynamic, what with their dark secrets and quirky quirks and easily digested motives. But that's only one kind of person. The quieter folk don't tend to look like much in such arenas. Writing isn't just building giants. We've also got to look closer at the quieter people. Here are some of the exercises that help me to get to know my less forthcoming characters. 

1. Write a Paragraph About Your Character From Another Character's Perspective

Choose someone peripheral, someone who doesn't have much stake or interest in your main character's plight. A coworker, distant relative, or colleague is perfect. How would they briefly summarize or gossip about your character? This is a quick n' dirty way of finding some of the external traits that stand out the most (eg: loud talker, likes the Red Sox, argues a lot in meetings.)

2. Make a List of What You Don't Want Readers to Know

This is different from the well-known conceit of deep dark secret that's for the author only, buried in the bedrock of the piece. These are carefully chosen places where you want to consciously leave room for the audience's imagination. Maybe you don't want to describe your character's physical appearance ( a lot of authors don't.) Maybe you don't want to address the character's childhood at all. Maybe we don't need anything beyond the bare logical bones about what your character does for a living. Sometimes if you give your reader a little room to engage, they'll be more connected to your story.

3. I Know, and I'm Sorry, But...

What does your character want? You're never really going to get away from this one successfully. Now, not everyone in the novel has to want something significant, For example, I'm at Panera Bread at the moment. I want a pastry, but I don't want to get up and get it, because there are too many crying children to navigate around. That's what I want. What I'm doing, however, my action, is writing this blog post. As illustrated by my daily life, sometimes wants are petty and sort of stuck in the background. They don't necessarily dominate our every action, and they won't dominate your character's every action either. But for us to want to read about your character, they need to want something serious, and they need to be seriously pursuing it the majority of the time. 

It gets confusing to put it in those terms. Most people don't know what they want. It's kind of a subconscious thing. Try to think of it in these terms instead: what would make it better? What would resolve the pain or fear or uncertainty or whatever the hell the character is wrestling with for the majority of the novel? The thing that solves the problem (or the thing that the character thinks will solve the problem) is usually what they want. 

4. How Would Your Main Character Describe The Setting?

We humans tend to think that many of our problems will be solved by greener grass - the new job, the new city, the new home. What does your character think of the various places in his or her life? Explore this by jotting down a couple of paragraphs describing these settings from your character's perspective.

Does she feel comfortable? Is is the place old or new to her? Does see the beauty in it? Does he plan to stay or leave? Does he use positive or negative language when describing it? Where would he rather be?

5. Who Do They Want You to Think They Are?

There's a disease sweeping the theatrical community called personal branding. This tends to manifest in the form of actors building websites that describe them in three whimsical words, followed by a list of stars that they fancy themselves to be like. For example, I know a lady who is a "quirky, loquacious cupcake with all the vim and vigor of Rachel McAdams." Like, what now? If we're playing that, then I fancy myself a discerning, erudite Calla Lily with the sartorial pretense of Anna Wintour.  I own a lot of big sunglasses and on good days, when I wake up early enough to put on makeup, I believe it. In reality though, I'm kind of a cynical and borderline unkempt bitch sometimes. Also, I just looked up the word discerning and it's actually not synonymous with "hates everything." I fall short of the vision in my head. Most of us do.

Who does your character want to be? What version of her stars in the music videos inside her head? How does she fall short of that vision?

Whether it's by way of the traditional character sheet, one of my crackpot ideas, or your own tried and true method, spend some time getting to know each of your main characters today. After all, they'll be spending the night tomorrow. At least buy them a drink first. 

NaNoWriMo Prep: The Name Game

Part of what's so brilliant and so horrible about National Novel Writing Month is that it's supposed to about writing. Not getting lost in research, not editing, but actually sitting down and writing 1,667 words per day, for an end-of-the-month goal of 50,000 words. Since November 1st is only 3 days away, it's time to get cracking on some of those picayune side projects that usually serve as great excuses for not writing. No time like the present, because come November...well, you know.

You're going to have characters, and they're going to have to be called something. I know that thumbing through that baby name book you bought at the thrift store is really fun, but in midst of NaNoWriMo, that's squandering precious writing time, so it's best to christen the bulk of your characters now. This is not as easy as it looks. (I know, because I once wrote a full-length play about two good-looking, edgy twenty-somethings named Gemma and Chase. I'd like to think I've learned my lesson since.) Here are some things to consider when naming your babies. 

1. Time and Place

The female lead in a Revolutionary War novel is probably not going to be named Maddyson. A recently Manhattan-born baby is probably not going to be named Jennifer. Assume the norm unless there's a reason for deviating from it. (There probably should be at least a couple of these reasons in your names. Nobody wants to read about a whole bunch of Toms and Sarahs making casseroles on Maple Street.)

2. Balance 

Yes, you can have a Gemma. But if you have a Gemma, you may want to counterbalance her with a John or a Mike or something. Unless you're writing some sort of PoMo Zeitgeist novel, it can't be Carrington, Declan, Mandarin, and Atticus all the time. For realistic fiction, you'll want a balance of original and traditional names. 

3. Speaking of Atticus...

Unless you have a really good reason for doing so, don't name one of your characters after a canonical character. If young Atticus's father is an insufferable hipster or a third-tier college professor, or if his mother was reading To Kill a Mockingbird at the library with a third-tier college professor at the time of conception, then I suppose it can be done. Just be careful, and know why you're doing what you're doing. 

4. Symbolism

I've yet to confess the most embarrassing part of the Gemma and Chase debacle. The names were also meant to be symbolic. Gemma was a damaged beauty, a diamond in the rough. Chase was an elusive, yet unintentionally profound manchild.

I hate my twenty-something self a lot. 

In fact, if I were to name my twenty-something self, I would name me Jane Janeway. The first name has a generic connotation, whereas the last name indicates excessive self-absorption. See what I did there? 

5. Places

Remember that your characters are going to live in towns or cities, and most likely work at and/or patronize various businesses and organizations. These things all need names as well. I usually like to check to see if the locale I've invented actually exists for real, so that I can make sure I'm not doing somebody's hometown too much injustice. As with character names, it's certainly okay to have fun with your locations, but not everything can be witty and bucolic. If your character is grabbing pie at The Dimpled Scone, address 3.14 Silvermoon Drive, you may want to take him somewhere more generic for lunch.

Try to nail down the bulk of your names today. They can always be changed later on, and I've found that they often do change. Sometimes a perfect name will emerge out of nowhere, midway through a first draft, as if the character has finally been born and you are nothing more than a conduit for him or her. That's beautiful and mystical and I hope it happens to you, I really do. But if the name that emerges is Gemma, don't say I didn't warn you. 

NaNoWriMo Prep: The Outline

Just relax about getting ready for National Novel Writing Month. In fact, you might not even need to. There are two breeds of writers in the world - those who like to outline and organize and do background research before sitting down to write, and those that like to go where the muse takes them. NaNoWriMo officially defines these types as "planners" and "pantsers." I, being of the former ilk,  prefer the term "prepper," because what is writing if not an apocalyptic disaster that often results in economic collapse?

This post is for procrastinating preppers. If you're a pantser, go forth and frolic in the autumn leaves or something. Just don't come crying to me when society resorts to martial law, 'kay?

If you're really not sure what your working style is, air on the side of prepper for now. Plans are made to be broken, but they can be comforting to stick to when no titillating alternative presents itself. Since November is only 4 days away, it's really important that to make sure you've purchased enough Halloween candy to guarantee yourself copious leftovers. It's almost as important to construct a rough outline of your story.

A lot of people, especially genre writers, swear by the Snowflake Method, and with good reason. It's a very comprehensive way of developing a plot and organizing subplots, but at this late date, you're going to need to pare it down somewhat. Here's my quick n' dirty version.

1. Write a 1 Paragraph Summary of Your Novel
Don't know what your novel is about yet? That's like, the essence of NaNoWriMo! Just finish the paragraph, even if you know you'll end up scrapping everything later.

2. Expand the Paragraph to a Page
This is where you want to get into the nuts and bolts of how and when everything happens. Again, don't know where you're going? That's okay, just keep going forward. Finish the page.

3. Make a List of Questions
Nope. Not deep, existential questions about why you're doing this. Just logical questions, such as "What was behind Mama June and Sugar Bear's breakup?" and "How do 5 women share a bathroom in the Thompson double-wide?"

4. Write the Page Again
After considering your list of questions, your second one page summary will probably look completely different from the first one. This is good. You're doing it right.

5. Break Your Page Down into Tentative Chapters
Even if you don't plan on breaking your manuscript into official chapters, this gives you defined starts and ends to work with. If you're feeling ambitious, you may want to go a step further and break each chapter down into scenes as well.

The Fault in our Stars

I'm not a fan of motivational quotes, but I've never thrown any serious shade to one above. It sounds like something a well-meaning forest animal would say to a lost boy, and since I like both forest animals and lost boys, I didn't mind it. I'd assumed it could be attributed to some sort of whimsical children's book author, some neo-A.A. Milne, but it's not like that at all.

We can thank a man named Les Brown for this astronomically dubious little gem. Les Brown appears to speak about being a motivational speaker, and when he's not doing that, he's writing about being a motivational speaker and teaching other people how to be motivational speakers. He says that greatness is within you, and I totes believe it. Now, if Les Brown can write book after book about being a motivational speaker, motivate other would-be motivational speakers and fire platitudes out of a metaphorical tee-shirt cannon for us to swallow up and then regurgitate on pinterest and get paid for it all, why...why that means that you could certainly write a novel! 

Which brings us to the virtual gauntlet that is National Novel Writing Month. NaNoWriMo, as the cool kids call it, is basically a commitment to spend the month of November writing 50,000 words, which is the estimated minimum for the first draft of your novel. In order to complete this goal, you'll need to write roughly 1,677 words per day. I know, this is terrifying, but there are local "write-in" groups where you can go work with other writers in real life, and lots of internet support groups that are committed to cheering each other on. 

I've never done it before, but I'm going to be participating this year, and I'll be reporting from the front lines of caffeine-addled manic creation. I think you should join me, even if you haven't written in years. Making a commitment to write is never a bad thing, and neither are guilt trips from strangers. Besides, it's great way to spend most of Thanksgiving avoiding your relatives.

I'm not promising we'll come out of this with good novels, or even finished ones, but if you shoot for the moon...you might just land on a repetitive, coffee stained, nonsensical star that you can edit later. 

I'll be devoting this week to a series of NaNoWriMo preparation posts, but for now, let's get used to that wretched moon-demon that is the daily word quota. 1,677 words. Let's see if we can do it. Go write 1,677 words now. Not as part of any cohesive story, or with an aim toward quality. It can be a diatribe about how much you hate Mondays and how tired you are. Mine probably will be, but that's okay, because greatness is within us all. Les Brown says so.

RE: TGIF

Back when I was young and perky enough to be paid to sling cocktails, I used to find TGIF-type catch phrases incredibly pedestrian. Now that I have my very own gray cubicle, (seriously, why always gravestone gray? The cubicle just might be the most self-aware piece of furniture in history. It knows its purpose, and it knows it's a damn depressing one.) I've revised my position. Friday is actually amazing and it is impossible to over-exhault its virtues. Friday mornings are always tinged with a delicious nostalgia- there's a sweetness in going about my tasks and knowing that I won't have to do them again for two whole days. The corporate culture that seems so oppressive on Mondays feels manageable, almost quaint. "Team," the emails always read. I am not a team on Fridays. I am a human beast with a barbaric yawp that cannot be stifled by gray cubicles, and I am only 8 hours away from returning to my natural state of unbridled laziness.

Team,

In celebration of Our Venerable Friday, take 10 minutes and write a letter from the management. Chances are, a character you're writing now or a character you've written in the past has some sort of job. Most people that we write about do, so this is good stuff to know. The management in question doesn't have to be a corporation - it could also be a church, a cult, an educational institution, a mental institution, an exceedingly streamlined home, a gang, or some sort of wild cyber-world with lots of rules. You do you, but only do it for 10 minutes unless you're really on fire. It is Friday, after all.
Here are a few common management buzzwords to get you started:

Team
Opportunity
Use of the Royal We
Logistics
Metrics
Solutions
Development
Interdepartmental

For even more inspiration, the corporate bullshit generator fills me with contemptuous joy.
Make sure to throw out or take home all of your items in the fridge or they'll be thrown away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lovely Bones - Understanding Structure, Part 2

It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they executed the Rosenbergs, and I didn't know what I was doing in New York. I'm tired and out of ideas on how to open this post, so totally stealing one of the best first sentences  in modern American literature, because Thursday. It's a great first sentence, full of chaos and heat and the imminent mortality of that whole time. A gutting sentence, truly. But we're not here today to tread in the visceral, we're here today to talk more about bones.

Refer to the skeleton you created yesterday. Just the skeleton. The actual piece, whether it's one of yours or something you've read recently, should be far, far away from you right now. Take a moment to jot down a few notes - what do you like about the structure? What irks you?

Now, on the skeleton itself, make three changes to your structure. This is just an exercise, these aren't changes you're actually going to keep, and remember, we're not making actual changes to your piece of writing. We are simply imagining alternatives to what you have mapped out in front of you right now. If you've got a diagram that's continuously escalating, much like the classic plot structure, try carving a little plateau into the side of that mountain. If you've got a diagram that looks like a flatlining heart monitor, try building in a couple of peaks and valleys. Don't think about what these lines need to represent in your piece. Right now the only goal is to change the physical diagram you've created. We're basically just drawing lines that are different from the lines we drew yesterday.

Choose your favorite of the three changes. Grab your original document, locate the part where you need to veer off in order to incorporate the structure change, and put the document away again. Now, rewrite for 10 minutes, creating the structure change. Anxiety-provoking? I know, but..

1. You can always just delete it.
2. We're not touching the original document.
3. It's only for 10 minutes.
4. Even if this exercise causes you to realize that your piece does require major rewrites, better now than later.
5. You can always scrap the entire thing and start over.
6. Tomorrow's Friday.
7. Puppies and Halloween exist in the world together, even if the relationship is tenuous.

Lovely Bones - Understanding Structure, Part 1

In the spirit of Halloween, (which is only 9 days away, yippee!) I thought we'd talk a little bit about skeletons today. Because I am a basic morbid bitch, bones are pretty much my favorite thing ever, and I hope to someday own an entire curiosity cabinet full of ethically-obtained human specimens. But alas, this blog is not supposed to be about me and my dreams, so we are not talking about those kinds of skeletons.

We're actually talking about the prose structure sort of skeletons, which are really not skeletons at all. They are actually just more work that I tried and failed to dress up as fun. You know, like that one house that gives out raisins in festive boxes instead of actual candy.

The good news, though, is that today's exercise is going to be somewhat easy and doesn't really involve any actual writing. 

1. Find an old piece of yours. It can be a short story, a poem, a play, an essay, a novel if you're ambitious. If you're just starting out on this whole act of self-torture and loathing and you haven't actually written anything yet, just grab something you've read recently and call recall well without needing to re-read extensively. 

2. Try to map out the structure of the piece. You can do this by jotting down events or points in order, or if you're more visual, you can actually draw out the rises and falls in plot. I'm sure we all remember that pyramid-shaped plot diagram from middle school. Don't try to retroactively make your piece "fit" into that structure when mapping, just try to honestly document the highs and lows that are already there. If you've got a big, fancy hunk of a story (I'm jealous), you may find it easier to create several different diagrams to account for subplots.

Only spend ten minutes on this, of course. After that, go forth and do whatever it is you usually do on rainy fall Wednesdays. We'll fight the beast that is part two of this exercise tomorrow, so get ready. 

Traps for Muses: Making Time to Write

   There's something inherently icky about scheduling creativity. I would so rather go out and live life and revel in the explosion of color that is fall in New England and have lingering wine nights with my husband and buy other people's old photographs for a song at garage sales. Then, in like late January, I'd be having the perfect french toast (buttery, yet cloudlike in texture, with real maple syrup) at the perfect diner (lots of linoleum, gritty, but not gritty enough to give me food poisoning, with a waitress who is wise and sassy or timid and unconsciously beautiful) and the muse would walk in. She'd wait patiently for me to finish my meal before grabbing hold of my hand and walking me home and tying me to my desk chair. By the time I've escaped her clutches, the trees would be starting to bud again. The sun would be setting later. I'd be holding a thick first draft that sings with brilliance and needs only light revisions that would make me feel competent and productive without actually doing much work. The muse would then wish me a lovely summer, and depart until next January. But unfortunately, it just doesn't work like that. Muses (if we're working with that metaphor, I don't love it, but it's so pervasive that I feel like I have to) don't often trap us, we've got to trap them.

     In plainer terms, writers write. Every single writing book says this. Every single writer, when interviewed, says this. Now, sometimes they say it in a fancy way, babbling on about "trapping the muse" or "showing up to the page" or whatever, but what they really mean is that writers write. Unfortunately, it's true. If I ever discover some sort of loophole, I'll be the first to let you know, but for now we've got to work within those parameters. Writers write, and you are going to write too. Today we're going to carve out the actual logistics on that.

WHEN?

Maybe you have the kind of life that contains enough free time that you don't have to schedule your writing. If so, good for you. Skip this step if you want, but keep in mind that you might be more apt to stick to your habit if there is a set time that you're theoretically supposed to adhere to. This article gets into the psychological mechanics of habits a bit more.

If you're a slave to a gray cubicle and a dog and a household with endless laundry like I am, you're definitely going to need to create a stricter timeslot. First of all, when do you conceivably have time? First thing in the morning? Late at night, after everyone else is in bed? If your day is really packed, is there an activity you could let go of and replace with writing? I mean, does your kid really need to eat? Couldn't he skip dinner at least a couple nights a week?


WHERE?

This one really matters to some writers. Do you need to be in a space with positive energy and soothing sounds, surrounded by objects that delight and inspire you? If that's your game, start setting up that space today.

If you don't care where you write, (and I don't, I actually write at the gray cubicle that I slave at for the rest of the day) just do a cursory check of the space to make sure you have everything you need to get started. As my coworkers discuss the ins and outs of their morning Dunkin' Donuts runs in excruciating detail every morning, earbuds are a must for me. So are snacks and lip gloss.

I will say this about Where: it's one thing to have a pleasant environment in which to work. It's quite another to spend weeks making everything just right. You're not an interior designer or an independent coffeeshop reviewer, you're a writer. If something about the space you chose drives you batshit, you can always change it later. Decide on your spot today, and let good enough be good enough.

FOR HOW LONG?

There are a few ways to approach this one. If you haven't been writing regularly, I'd suggest committing to 10 minutes. It's not too intimidating, and you can always continue on for longer if you feel motivated to do so. After a month or two of this, you may want to up your commitment to 20 minutes per day. There are a few websites that time your writing and word count. I'm partial to this one.  I like it because it's a weirdly poetic graveyard of spam posts for imported silk, impotence drugs, and weight loss regimens, so it feels like a pretty low stakes space to write.

If you've already been writing regularly, I'd suggest committing to an hour a day, but only you know what's realistically going to work for you. Try an hour, and if it feels too long, cut it down to 45 minutes and gradually build up to an hour.


PLAN B

There are going to be days when the block is bad and dark and gut-seizing. Days where you just want to read everything you've written previously and bemoan your ineptitude. Days where you know that your fingers are just not fucking physically capable of hitting a single key. These days are completely unjust and the worst and shouldn't exist, but they do, so what's your plan when you're faced with one?

I try to write through it. I'm usually not able to tackle ongoing projects on one of these days, but I can force myself to bang out a ten minute journal entry just to clear my head and remind my fingers that they do need to move eventually. After that, I read. Books, not Buzzfeed. Reading is almost as important as writing in this whole journey out of the block, so if you can't write, do the next best thing with the time you've set aside. If you're working on a longstanding project and you've got research to do, work on that. Plan B is different for everyone, but it should run parallel to your writing in general, or to a specific writing project. Don't mope, focus on the work, and take solace in the fact that tomorrow probably won't suck quite as much.

TODAY

Take 10 minutes and write down your plan for daily writing. If there's time left over, write down some aspects of your own personal Plan B. What do you plan to read during the time? Is there research you need to do? Having a list of possible tasks will make a bad block day a bit easier to weather.

Found Prose: FML

Most of us do of our best writing when we're relaxed and not trying too hard. If you haven't written in a while, you're almost definitely trying too hard. Don't worry, I am too. I'm currently fighting the urge to turn off the comments on my first post, even though it only has 1 page view and it's from my husband. Now I'm fighting the urge to add a sparkly adjective or two to that last sentence. Anyway. (I didn't mean "anyway." I meant "but I digress." No, fuck that. I meant "anyway.")

Anyway, instead of staring down the blank page today, open up your Gmail, your Facebook, your Twitter and your Ello if that's still a thing in an hour. Pick a recent conversation you've had with a friend. Zero in on a few key lines, and copy and paste them to your scary blank page, like so:

I'm going to use the rest of the color in one of the bathrooms.

Okay, sounds good. We could get cannolis too!

Yeah, I don't even know.

Take your chosen snippet of chatter and expand on it for 10 minutes. That doesn't mean you have continue the conversation in a dialogue, though you can if you want to. It could be anything, including:


1. A meditation (eg: love letter or bitch session) on how you really feel about the person you were corresponding with.

2. A found poem/short story using a bunch of different conversations gleaned from various sources.

3. The next Texts from Bennett.

4. Chatting with a friend, but it counts as writing because of the nature of this exercise, which means you ultimately achieved procrastination for one more day. I could learn shit from you.

Mandalas and Suitcases: The What and Why of This Blog

There is no worse feeling than writer's block. I know from experience. I didn't write for almost three years after leaving New York City. I was so used to being part of a vibrant artistic community that I didn't know how write without one. (I was also really busy working as a mortician, but I digress,  and it's too early in the morning for gory details.) To fill the wordless void, I spent most of my time doing things like taking advantage of suburban prices on designer merchandise at TJ Maxx and attending bucolic events that look cool on instagram, like zucchini festivals. Over the past year, I've slowly fought my way back to the page (some days are better than others) and I (like everyone else on the internet) am currently working on a novel.

You know when you go to a music festival or something and you leave your sweater in the car because it's surprisingly nice out? You know the walk back to the car, which is somehow much longer than the walk there, when it's dark and not warm out anymore, and your mouth is kind of dry and icky from craft beer? Yeah, that's what writing after a long block feels like.

I kept searching for resources that might help me trick myself into getting something, anything, down on paper. I read writing books. I followed writing prompt blogs on tumblr. I even took a community education class, but none of these methods were sparking much of anything for me. The exercises usually relied on various tropes. Inevitably, there would be a prompt centering around a found suitcase full of money, or some other high-stakes Hitchcockian thing. Cool, if you want to write Breaking Bad fan fiction, which I kind of do, but it's tentatively titled "Breaking Good: Jesse Starts a Non-Profit" and the suitcases are filled with love and puppies and there's holes poked in the suitcases so that the puppies can breathe.

The alternative to the action trope is the overly self-reflective exercise: write a letter to your inner child, write a letter to your inner critic, write a love letter to yourself. Cool, but I'm a cognitive behaviorist who delights in snark. I'm obsessed with economy, and this school of thought seemed hinged on trussing your piece up in a mohair sweater and then typing yourself a hug. One particularly reflective book encouraged the reader to draw a mandala, which basically put me off writing for weeks. It actually put me off pretty everything, come to think of it. I didn't shower much during that time period and just kind of wandered around in my pajamas, eating Cheerios out the box, mumbling "fuck mandalas."
After I recovered from the mandala episode, I noticed a theme. All of the exercises and prompts I came across wanted to tell me what to write about. I had three years worth of ideas to draw from. The what wasn't the problem. It was the how that I needed to relearn.

I started developing some of my own exercises. Small, fun challenges I could give myself, things that would generate something different from the patterns I've been circling around for years. A non-visual un-mandala, if you will.

I write daily now. Sometimes it's joyful, but that's like once every three weeks. Most of the time it actually sucks and I'd rather be doing anything else in the world (save for drawing a mandala.) But you know what sucks more? Not doing it. Having all the words lock inside you to the point where you can't even hold a simple conversation with a stranger.
It will always be a process. I'm not satisfied with the post I'm writing right now. I hate my novel. I don't think my poetry is growing at all. I'm convinced everything I write is purple prose. But I plod on, and so will you. Not all of the ideas on this blog will necessarily speak to you, but I'm hoping that some of them will. They're just rough outlines, meant to be rejected and altered as you see fit. Even if nothing on this blog does it for you, write something today. Even if it's three words, write something. Don't draw a mandala.